Bryn Mawr Alumnae Bulletin

Mawrters’ forays—both casual and complex—into the world of Internet dating

By Alicia Bessette

“So last night there was a spider the size of Texas right above my bed…. I got to pondering how nice it would be to have a boyfriend to come kill the spider for me, or whose bed I could go crawl into and be assured of an arachnid-free night of sleep and then some….”

So read a 2006 Craigslist personal ad by Virginia Culler Roberts ’03, titled “Baby, will you kill my spiders?” Roberts intended it as a joke—but quickly discovered that humor works. More than 300 responses crowded her inbox.

Of those, one email stood out: a PhotoShopped picture of a handsome guy wielding spider-killing implements, and featuring funny captions.

Their initial email correspondence was witty and natural, she recalls. And though their first date was tainted by a loud drunken party seated nearby, they decided to see each other again. And again…

Some years later, the spider-killer proposed, and Roberts said yes.

The joke ad not only led to a happy marriage, but a successful business as well. Roberts started helping friends navigate the world of online dating, and word spread among her social circles and among readers of her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog, about the “best ways to find your mate in the world’s least romantic setting: the Internet.” Eventually, to keep up with demand, Roberts started charging, and today runs a custom online dating service, loveb.ug.

She guides daters on which providers⎯everything from eHarmony to Zoosk.com⎯fit them best. She gives tips on how to write about yourself in an appealing way; how to optimize the responses you get; and what types of photographs and information will help convey what you want about yourself.

Safety and logistical tips are another big part of her services. “Appropriate safety precautions and awareness were drilled into me both as a student and as a Customs person and Hall Advisor at Bryn Mawr,” Roberts wrote in a recent email, “and I think I see those lines much more clearly than people whose schools didn’t have such a focus on basic student safety.”

Roberts and other Mawrters agree that online dating follows a different path than “traditional” dating. For starters, the online dating pool is much larger. Singles encounter other singles that they might not have encountered otherwise.

Sharon Walker ’86 used plentyoffish.com and the now defunct Yahoo Personals for about a year. “It’s as close as the computer,” she emailed. “As a divorced single mom in my mid-forties, I don’t run into a lot of single guys my age in my everyday life⎯and even if I did, I wouldn’t always know they were single.”

Case in point: One guy she met online turned out to have a son in the same preschool class as her daughter. She’d seen him before at a child’s birthday party, but assumed he was married because his ex was also there.

Online, singles tend to be more candid than they might be in a traditional dating situation. Many providers encourage clients to be up front about their goals and traits, no matter how bizarre or personal those might seem. So, it’s not uncommon to learn all about potential dates’ severe allergies, previous romances, or all-time favorite books, sometimes before you’ve even shaken their hand.

“This can be a bit shocking,” Walker wrote. “(I just met this guy, and he’s telling me about his antipsychotic medications?) But I find it refreshing.”

Walker hasn’t yet found true love online. She does, however, credit her Internet dating with a few long-lasting friendships, and a support network she wouldn’t have made otherwise.

She and “Mohammed,” for example, dated for a while before determining they weren’t destined to be a couple. “We still talk to each other about anything and everything, including our crazy dating stories.”

Another Internet date-turned-friend, “Steven,” is diagnosed with the same rare autoimmune disease as Walker, and so they meet periodically to share pointers and resources. The first time she met him, he changed her drink order from seltzer to sparkling water, because he thought the latter would be a healthier choice, considering her medical condition.

“Luckily, I can put up with this stuff in a friend, if not in a romantic partner,” emailed Walker.

In other ways, online dating isn’t all that different from going about things the old-fashioned way. Sometimes⎯as with loveb.ug founder Roberts⎯dates lead to a long-term relationship, just as they might without virtual assistance. Susan Flinn ’86 is happily married to the man with whom she went on her second Internet date. After emailing, the duo agreed to meet in person at a Belgian bar near Flinn’s home in Washington, DC.

“I had decided I was just going to spend 2005 dating up a storm and then write a book about it; my year of Internet dating (sort of Julie and Julia for the dating world),” wrote Flinn in an email. “I planned to do all my dates at this place because it was nearby (I’m lazy) and there would be consistency among dates (useful, when writing a book, to hold constant some variables, right?!), and the staff knew me so they could rescue me if the guy turned out to have an axe under his coat.”

She needn’t have worried; drinks led to dinner, and dinner led to what eventually became a marathon 14-hour date. And while Flinn’s book idea fell through, her relationship flourished.

Flinn’s friend, Neda Ulaby ’93, met her partner online, and it was Ulaby who encouraged Flinn to approach the process with a sense of humor and open-mindedness. Newly single for the first time in 21 years, and recovering from an extremely drawn-out breakup, Flinn was mystified about how to date period⎯let alone how to go about it online.

Now, she considers online dating to be a normal, safe way to meet people, and perhaps less intimidating than meeting strangers in a bar; both she and Walker point out that, via online dating, you can learn a little something about potential dates before you meet them in person. And that’s comforting.

But, just like traditional dating, heartache is a sad reality in the Internet dating world. Pat Jackson ’62 sustained a beautiful long-term relationship with a mate she found online. While they’ve since parted, the deep bond they forged enriched Jackson’s life in ways she never thought possible.

Many friends warned Jackson of the dangers of the Internet 10 years ago, when she first created a profile on Match.com. But Jackson knew she could protect herself with safety screens that gave her control. Her moniker was Turbitrix⎯a type of screen in itself, since it would reveal which potential dates were familiar with Latin.

Troublemaker seeks accomplice. Currently passionate about language, Bach, Buddhism, large dogs, deep country, gardens, sustainable forestry, architectural and land preservation, love affair with the orient.…I’m looking for company to explore almost anything that involves a steep learning curve.

Jackson’s invitation attracted the attention of a man who shared her interests, and with whom she had many uncanny things in common. They dated for several years, celebrated his 70th birthday together, and did some traveling. Their love story was even featured in a book, My Time: Making the Most of the Bonus Decades After 50, by Abigail Trafford ’62.

The modern dating process is vastly different than when Jackson was in her young twenties, studying philosophy at Bryn Mawr. In those days, lantern men escorted students to dorms, and students weren’t allowed to drive cars.

“Dating is so open now,” she said. “But it’s still difficult, because ultimately, you still have to meet someone you like.” Of course, some dates go sour, and unsavory characters are out there. Walker once met a man who didn’t regret that his ex had moved out-of-state with their children, and who boasted about cheating on his taxes. (“Next!” she wrote.)

Flinn, whose 14-hour date eventually led to marriage, wonders if Mawrters have particular difficulty finding a life partner. “Bryn Mawr alums tend to be, shall we say, cussed individuals?” she wrote. “A wee bit unusual? Potentially challenging for other folks to get a handle on? (Maybe that’s just my college friends!) Let’s face it⎯unusual and complicated people need all the help they can get in the dating world.”

And online love expert Roberts found that her tenacious approach to finding a mate helped her develop a more diverse circle of friends, and was more satisfying than sitting around, waiting for them to show up.

“I think that confidence, autonomy, and initiative were partly innate in my personality, but those traits were all nursed by the culture of Bryn Mawr,” Roberts emailed. “I often serve as a sort of permission slip for my clients to go out and look for what they want, especially after divorce, because they didn’t have the luck of attending a school that helped instill them with an innate sense of validity in their desires, and power to achieve them.

“This goes for both men and women,” she added.